Dear Random Man, I Do Not Need Your Validation (Halloween at a BDSM club)

Hello Ladies and Dudes,

     It was halloween night. I had been up since 6:30am and after working an almost full day of work, I headed home to prepare. My toes curled with anticipation as I power-napped, showered, ate and then dressed myself for the night. I even called my sister to share my excitement. I was headed to a BDSM/Kink Halloween party at an actual club/center.

     It had been four years since my last party within the community and since then I’d only dipped my toes in. My fear of walking into a new place alone has always won out. This time was different. I was going with friends of mine, a couple with whom I’m also intimately involved.

     We entered the club and almost immediately heads turned to my lovely female friend, we’ll call her “A.” A is a beautiful woman and a dom who, as her sub (we’ll call him “C”) and I agreed, is a cross between Amy Lee from Evanescence and Xena, The Warrior Princess. In other words, when she walks into a room she commands attention.

     One gentlemen took notice of her and throughout the night made it perfectly clear he wanted her. He wanted her as a play partner, as a friend and as good company. We’ll call him “Han,” as he was dressed as Han Solo. Throughout the night, I loved the way A handled herself; the way she took compliments, teased back and with an air of confidence never seemed flustered at the adoring fans she gathered as the night went on.

     It was her interaction with Han that was truly interesting to me. He was a confident middle-aged man who liked to boast. He made it very clear he was there with his wife, his play partner and that he was poly and very open. With every compliment he paid A, I became more aware of how much I didn’t mesh with his personality. As Han continued flirting, I kept thinking, “Please, pay no attention to me sir.” I was very happy spending the night observing others and pressing my face into C’s body. The only attention I needed or wanted was from the people I came with.

     As the night progressed A and C decided to play together and I would observe the scene. I sat close enough to the scene, hoping that I wouldn’t be bothered so I could focus on what they were doing. It was the first time I’d seen them play. It was the first time in four years I’d seen anyone play. I was excited. It’s an amazing thing to watch. The intimate play, the expression on faces, the way body parts twitch, chests move with each breath and the sweet sounds of pain and laughter come together. It’s like watching your favorite artist perform.

     Before the scene started, Han gave A his contact info. They exchanged goodnights (as Han was leaving for the night). I put him out of my mind. As the scene began, I tried to block out the sounds around me. Not that easy in a club full of people, but after just a few minutes I’d began to focus only on the scene in front of me. It was wonderful, beautiful and at times funny as hell. It was an amazing thing to witness. It made me feel safe and at peace. I felt myself slipping away, worries leaving me and only the calming sounds of the flogger hitting C’s back rang in my ears. There was no one else. Nothing else existed outside of the scene, not even the warm cup of coffee I was holding in my hands.

     And then a hand landed on my shoulder and I jumped, trying to remain silent as to not interrupt the scene. It’s Han. He smiles at me, leaning closer, so he can whisper (keep in mind that he hadn’t spoken more than a word to me all night).

      “I just wanna say how nice it was to meet all of you,” he said.

     “Thank you,” I said, “I’ll let them know.”

     He smiles at me, “I know I was flirting with A all night. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I just wanna say, I think you’re pretty too…” 

     I could feel my eyebrow raise, my mouth turned up into a forced smile. I was in a new setting and I didn’t want to make enemies my first night, but every part of me wanted to say: “Dear random dude, I do not need your validation. Incase you didn’t notice, I have the attention of a very handsome man and a very beautiful woman, and at the end of the night I’m going home with them. I do not need your attention, nor was I seeking it. Thank you for your attempt to stoke my ego, but I do not need it.”

     His comment, his tone and the way he approached me at the very end of his night made me feel like he thought of me as ‘that ugly girl who no one noticed because she didn’t talk much.’

     As if my silence through the night was my way of hoping someone would pay attention to me. I spent the night mostly silent because that’s how I act in new settings. It gives me a chance to learn customs and to understand where I fit. His comment felt like pity. And pity, has it’s place, but not when someone is trying to pay you a ‘compliment.’ Otherwise, it just sounds like an insult. Not to mention, he crossed my personal boundaries.

1) He touched me without asking -This bothered me the most. I’m a physical person with a lot of people, but there are just those individuals that I don’t mesh with. It’s an energy difference and I don’t like clashing with people. It took me sometime to get the feeling of his touch off me. The worst part is that he touched me while I was very close to a scene and I didn’t want to raise my voice to tell him to back off. Which made me feel powerless (I’ll never let that happen again).

2) He talked to me while I was watching a scene – I know that he doesn’t know me. I know he doesn’t know that watching that scene was important to me. Next time, I’ll know better. Next time, I’ll tell whoever it is, that I’m not free at the moment. I realize that Han wasn’t being malicious in his behavior, but it still bothered me. It still bothers me, even days later. It makes me wish I did confront him, so the next time he won’t do it again. Now, I’ll have to wait for the next time to say something.

     In the end, even if it did take me a few moments, I was able to get back to a safe and peaceful place. I was able to enjoy the rest of my night. I was able to remember why I was there, and who I came with. It was a wonderful night and a great way to spend Halloween. It’s always nice, even if it doesn’t go perfectly, to find yourself in a place where you feel safe, loved and at home.

     Morals of the story: Learn to enjoy things even if they don’t go perfectly. If you’re going to pay someone a compliment, make sure it’s genuine. Oh, and also, don’t fucking touch someone unless they’ve given you permission.

-Brittany <3

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