Hello Ladies and Dudes,
When I was fifteen I began reading the “Spenser” series written by Robert B. Parker. He is my favorite male author. He writes mystery and crime novels. They’re quick reads with quirky characters and amazing dialogue.
You can read the novels out of order, they’re written that way. As you read along you begin to discover the small details. The small details that paint this whole life of Spenser and his love Susan.
Spenser and Susan have one of the most amazing relationships that I’ve ever seen in fiction. It is unique to them (though it closely resembles Parker’s actual love life).
Spenser and Susan are both professionals, both own their own apartments, and both have lives separate from each other. They see each other on planned nights. They have romantic dinners, have great sex, listen to amazing music, attend events together and enjoy the company of each others friends.
They’re not married. Never plan to be. They’ve been together over decades and even when things got bad, they made it work.
They have this amazing relationship. But why?
Is it because they’re honest and open? Because they know what they both want? Because they know that their relationship is different and they’re at peace with it?
Does it work because they’re best friends? I think that plays a huge part.
I think, most importantly, they’re two self-sufficient adults who know what they want. End of story.
When you know what you want it’s easy to get it, assuming you’re determined, ruthless and smart about it.
The key here, though, is that Spenser and Susan want THE SAME THING.
Perfect relationships involve people who want similar things, who agree on the methods of attaining those things and move together to make it happen.
The difference between roommates/friends and people in a romantic partnership? Partners move as a unit.
As someone involved in poly, it gets complicated. I’m dating a man who lives with his two other girlfriends. Christopher and I have been involved since September 2014, but only dating since April 2015. I’m aware that our relationship is new and I really don’t have to worry about things like his finances or where we’ll be in five years.
But I was raised in a very normative world. When dating someone you take into consideration where they work, what they make and what they have to offer and how that plays into a life together. In the end, becoming a unit is the only thing that makes dating special (even if it involves multiple people).
I could do the things I do with Christopher with anyone, but I wouldn’t move as a unit with them. I want someone(s) I can do that with. This is the struggle I have when dating.
I want a partner in crime to go on adventurous with. And again, ideally it would be two partners 🙂
I’m not sure where my relationship with Christopher will go, but I’m hoping it’s somewhere peaceful.
In the end, I want to date myself, or someone close. Someone who challenges me, sees the world in a similar way, who owns their shit, conquers their fears, loves me fiercely and I them, and I want someone who will move as a unit with me.
I guess it’s time to admit it, I’m totally a romantic.
I don’t need the flowers or fancy dinners, I need someone who will slay the dragon with me, not for me, not instead of me, but WITH me.