Category Archives: Consent
Hello Ladies and Dudes,
There’s a fine balance between protecting someone from an abusive relationship and learning to not judge them because it’s actually what they want out of life. There’s also a fine line between those who actually know what they want and those who are convinced that this is what they want. And of course, the biggest question: How do we know when we’re dealing with the person who needs help and the person who is actually happy with their choices?
With that said, let’s talk about Christopher washing my mouth out with soap.
Christopher and I were planning our collaring ceremony to happen this month, and we were close, but a few more lessons arose and we’ve decided to wait awhile more. See, for us, the collaring ceremony is SERIOUSLY that step before marriage and marriage for the both of us is the most serious commitment you can make with another human being (at least, in our lives).
So, after a week of bad rebellion and new negotiations, Christopher will now wash my mouth out every time that I cuss (that is, until I’ve earned his collar again). The soap method was not used by my parents. We got good ol’ fashioned beatings. So, this was a new thing for me.
If you know me, you know that I cuss like a sailor.
Yesterday, I messed up five times. Three of them went like this:
We were watching an intense movie. Something intense happens to the character on the screen.
Me: “Fuck!” Realizing I cussed. “Oh, shit.” Realizing I cussed again. “Oh, Fuck!”
He made me bite down on a bar of soap and sit there until I was gagging.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen the porn and the kinky pictures of people who are into having their mouths washed out with soap. I never realized it was as bad as I let myself believe until I had it done on me (I blame Tumblr!).
As a pretty heavy masochist that is the worst thing he’s ever done to me.
I have a specific assignment to complete in order to earn his collar. This could take me 1-12 months, depending on how hard I decide to work at it.
Some people would consider Christopher and I too serious when it comes to our dynamic. And maybe we are, but I’m putting my mind, heart, soul and body in his hands. It’s as serious as one gets in life, allowing someone else control over them. So, yeah, I’m okay waiting. I’m okay earning my place in his life and he in mine.
The hardest part of this dynamic: Having my mouth washed out with soap.
These are the actions that best suit our dynamic, that best help us on our journey towards fulfillment. These are the moments where I welcome the challenge. I welcome the chance to better myself and to prove my dedication to my partner.
Christopher and I both work daily to make sure we’re on the same page, that we want the same things, and that we’re taking the best path to creating the life that we want.
I know some people might wonder if I’m in an abusive relationship, I am NOT.
I have read, studied, listened, and learned that out of all the paths in life I could take, this one brings me the most peace. That could chance, but for now (and hopefully forever), this is where I belong, kneeling at his feet.
Hello Ladies and Dudes,
I was asked this question:
**”I see a lot of posts on protocols, but I was wondering if you’d be open to talking about it. It seems like they’re essentially rules agreed upon by parties in a d/s or m/s relationship. I suppose what I still don’t really understand is why they’re so important… Moreover, why someone would be compelled to want rules governing their personal life. In essence I get the “what”, but not the “why”.
I don’t mean to give offense; This just happens to be something I find puzzling.”**
Protocol creates stability, consistency and forms good habits.
If you’ve ever been to a Catholic mass there are rituals in place to reaffirm the foundation of ones dedication to their god. It’s the same in BDSM and high-protocol relationships.
One can simply say, “I am your submissive,” but when one backs that up with action it creates the realism needed for most to FEEL like their relationships are REAL and not just a game.
You’ll often see in the community a “game like” mentality, which is all well in good for those who see this as a fun “bedroom pastime,” but for those of us that see this as a spiritual and 24/7 lifestyle choice, it’s much more.
Protocol is what sets this dynamic apart of being just vanilla with some kinky sex.
To be honest, this isn’t about sex for us. Sex is not the foundation of our dynamic. We do not involve it in play for that reason.
Our dynamic is about our dedication to each other as Dom and sub, as lovers, as partners, as future husband and wife. It’s about our understanding that when I come home from work and I kneel for him before I do anything else, that I’m saying to him: “I am Yours. First and foremost, I am Yours.”
When we leave the play parties and go home to our apartment, we don’t turn off the kink. We don’t just fall into bed. I don’t stop calling him Sir.
The same rules I have in public are the same at home.
Before Christopher and I become 24/7 we tried taking Sunday’s off. That was the worst idea ever. For four weeks, every Sunday, we’d have a fight because we couldn’t just shut the D/s off.
We need it. It is who we are.
I am His. I don’t want to start the day and end it without putting that into action.
I know for many, because it is something they do just in the bedroom, creating rules to follow seems silly. If I haven’t made clear already why we have them, here’s one more way to look at it:
D/s as a lifestyle is like having a work out routine, you can say you’ve worked out when you haven’t and your body and soul will not be fed. Or you can work out and because of this action your body and soul are fed. Because of your routine you are happy, peaceful and content.
I give Christopher power because he has earned it, because it helps me as a person, and because it’s all been negotiated. He’s my personal trainer (if you will). He’s the person who pushes me when I’m tired, who cheers me on when I doubt myself, he’s the man who loves me when I’m ugly, who tolerates me when I’m bitchy, and comforts me when I’m falling apart.
I am his. I am there for him when he doubts himself, when he’s angry at the world, when he doesn’t know what to do, when he needs someone to listen, when he needs someone to state the obvious and when he needs someone to remind him that he is worthy of my love and my submission.
We can do anything as a team. That’s what being in a D/s or M/s relationship is: It’s creating a team of two hearts and minds.
To sum it up:
Protocol is in place to remind us of our dedication to one another.
Protocol is an ACTION of love, Submission and Surrender.
Protocol isn’t just silly rules created for fun. It’s about creating stability so both parties know what to expect.
Remember that protocol looks different to all of us, but most of the time it’s there to create reminders of who we are to one another.
I hope this helped 🙂
<3 Brittany Simon
Hello Ladies and Dudes,
I recently created a video that covered “how to make BDSM feel real.”
I essentially said: “BDSM is as real as you make it. Through rituals and protocol and consistency you created this to be a real thing in your life.”
Christopher disagreed with me saying, “BDSM is who someone is. You can’t just make it real by doing the things, for some of us, it’s real no matter what. If you hadn’t found me, if you never knew what BDSM was, you’d still be looking for it. You’d be searching for your Dom. You’re a Submissive, it’s who you are.”
I didn’t understand the depth of his words until last night.
In my soul, I know that this community is my home. I know that I do best within it’s rules and structure. I know that I crave to kneel at Christopher’s feet more than I want most things.
Weeks back, Christopher and I were spending time together, laughing and joking.
“I’m going to make you sleep at the foot of the bed when you’re bad,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t think so.”
In that moment, I was thinking of BDSM from a “fun, light and temporary” mindset. Sometimes, my brain is 100% aware that this is a serious lifestyle choice for Christopher and I. Sometimes, my brain forgets that because the world around me sucks me back into its everyday silliness.
Christopher and I do have a reputation of being very “serious” about our BDSM because it dictates, truly, so much of our lives. It’s as important to us as a religion might be to some.
We take no steps in our relationships that haven’t been fully negotiated. When I give him more, he takes more, as much as he can. He doesn’t just want what I give. He wants ALL OF IT. He wants the things I don’t want to give.
So, when he says, “Who do you belong to?”
And I say, “You Sir.”
I mean that.
I am His.
He has Everything, All of It.
It’s all his.
So, last night, I was being punished. I had been bad over the last 48 hours and I wasn’t proving myself to be worthy of his Collar.
That night, in the most serious of voices Christopher informed me that I wouldn’t be sleeping in his bed. I would be sleeping at the foot of the bed.
Weeks ago, this seemed like a nightmare, but truly, as I knelt at his feet, I knew I’d earned it. I earned a sore back in the morning. I earned not being able to feel him pressed against me. I earned my punishment.
This lifestyle isn’t some flippant pastime for us.
It’s frightens me how peaceful I was when I woke this morning.
It frightens me that I want this.
It calms me when I live it fully.
When Christopher is truly mean, when he follows through, when he is my DOM and not my boyfriend, I feel truly free.
I am honored to be His.
Hello Ladies and Dudes,
I’m as depressed as they come. I’d like to say that over time I’ve gotten better at handling it but the truth is, I’m getting worst.
My depression is manageable when I’m alone and unattached. I was able to sorta handle it on my own before I started dating seriously at 24.
It becomes worse when I’m trying to form new and lasting relationships. That’s when the depression eats at my mind. I analyze every single thing. I blow every little thing up. I push people away and wonder why they’re leaving, and at the same time, am satisfied with the idea of them walking away.
If they walk away, that’s one less relationship I have to constantly worry about.
I allow relationships to start easily, casually. Friendships or fuck buddies are easy. They normally don’t ask more from me than my time once in a while.
Forming romantic relationships are the worse for me. From the moment I think someone wants me long term I start finding every single thing wrong with that person.
The worst part: When I’m happy and my head is leveled, I want to date, I want to fall in love. When I’m healthy and not having a depressive episode, I’m actually fun to be around.
Christopher is my long term partner. He’s aware of my depression but it’s not easy. Neither of us is perfect and we both have weaknesses that make our life together a challenge.
But last night, during one of my fits he told me that he was going to beat me. This was something that I’d been avoiding for at least two months. We’ve been having a hard time having complete and fulfilling scenes because I’ve allowed my fear to consume me.
And since he respects my limits, he’s allowed me time but last night, last night was different. It was this moment of “Trust me, I know best.”
I was at a loss. All I wanted to do was die. I’d been crying all night. I felt like nothing worse could happen…so, why not?
I positioned myself like he asked. Slowly, he hit me with the flogger. He started very soft, like a feather, and built and built.
With every hit I could feel my panic attack slowing down. I could feel my breathing become steady. My shoulders slumped into my body and the tension was slowly left.
Eventually, I felt like I was floating. I wasn’t crying anymore. My brain was centered. I found something to focus on. A different kind of pain. With every single hit I felt more and more like myself.
In terms of what I’ve taken in the past, this was a light scene, but it was just right. It was exactly what I needed to fight the fear that was consuming me.
With one last hit, one that made me jump, he stopped and I wrapped my arms around his legs. His hand went to my hair and he stroked my body like I was his kitten.
“Shhh, scene’s over,” he said. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
With my eyes still closed he had me position myself on the bed so he could lotion the places he had hit. He took care of me. He tucked me into bed and laid with me.
All of the sudden, I couldn’t stop smiling. Laughter bubbled from deep within me and escaped through my mouth and there was no stopping it. I was so happy that I couldn’t stop laughing.
I know to so many BDSM is always going to be seen as abuse, and it’s true that there are SOME who are abusive within the community.
But, truly, without BDSM, without the structure, the rules, the pain, the challenges, the everything…I hate to fathom where I’d be now. Probably lying in a bathtub crying myself to sleep.
I’m still depressed, BDSM isn’t a doctor, it’s a coping mechanism. Only a doctor can really help but it’s nice to have other options as well.