I recently created a video that covered “how to make BDSM feel real.”
I essentially said: “BDSM is as real as you make it. Through rituals and protocol and consistency you created this to be a real thing in your life.”
Christopher disagreed with me saying, “BDSM is who someone is. You can’t just make it real by doing the things, for some of us, it’s real no matter what. If you hadn’t found me, if you never knew what BDSM was, you’d still be looking for it. You’d be searching for your Dom. You’re a Submissive, it’s who you are.”
I didn’t understand the depth of his words until last night.
In my soul, I know that this community is my home. I know that I do best within it’s rules and structure. I know that I crave to kneel at Christopher’s feet more than I want most things.
Weeks back, Christopher and I were spending time together, laughing and joking.
“I’m going to make you sleep at the foot of the bed when you’re bad,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t think so.”
In that moment, I was thinking of BDSM from a “fun, light and temporary” mindset. Sometimes, my brain is 100% aware that this is a serious lifestyle choice for Christopher and I. Sometimes, my brain forgets that because the world around me sucks me back into its everyday silliness.
Christopher and I do have a reputation of being very “serious” about our BDSM because it dictates, truly, so much of our lives. It’s as important to us as a religion might be to some.
We take no steps in our relationships that haven’t been fully negotiated. When I give him more, he takes more, as much as he can. He doesn’t just want what I give. He wants ALL OF IT. He wants the things I don’t want to give.
So, when he says, “Who do you belong to?”
And I say, “You Sir.”
I mean that.
I am His.
He has Everything, All of It.
It’s all his.
So, last night, I was being punished. I had been bad over the last 48 hours and I wasn’t proving myself to be worthy of his Collar.
That night, in the most serious of voices Christopher informed me that I wouldn’t be sleeping in his bed. I would be sleeping at the foot of the bed.
Weeks ago, this seemed like a nightmare, but truly, as I knelt at his feet, I knew I’d earned it. I earned a sore back in the morning. I earned not being able to feel him pressed against me. I earned my punishment.
This lifestyle isn’t some flippant pastime for us.
It’s frightens me how peaceful I was when I woke this morning.
It frightens me that I want this.
It calms me when I live it fully.
When Christopher is truly mean, when he follows through, when he is my DOM and not my boyfriend, I feel truly free.
I am honored to be His.
I got a question on tumblr from a woman, essentially asking how she can get her boyfriend to take more control…
I created a video as a response.
I also wanted to add a list of ways to help those entering into control dynamics.
Ways Your Top/Dom/Master Can Take Control In Every Day Life:
The bottom greets the top with a specific saying.
“Good evening, Sir, how was your day?”
“Good evening Mistress, welcome home.”
The bottom uses specific titles instead of their name.
Instead of Bob, call him Sir.
Instead of Susan, call her Ma’am.
The top can pick out the bottom’s clothes when headed to an event.
I often lay out three dresses for Christopher to choose from or he’ll have one in mind already (Christopher only chooses what I wear for special events, though some people do it every day).
The Top gets to dictate when the bottom cums or masturbates.
Sometimes it’s as simple as, “You will not masturbate until I see you, that way you’ll be begging me to fuck you.”
Or, “You will masturbate today for ten mins, but you will not cum until I say so, or maybe not at all…”
Top can choose whether or not the bottom wears panties for the day/or event coming up.
Christopher loves to take away my panties because I’m a very wet person, so he knows I have to be careful where I sit and how move around (especially since he’ll put me in a short dress on nights with no panties).
The Bottom will have a meal prepared for the Top when the top comes over/wakes up/gets home from work.
The bottom will massage the tops feet during TV time.
The bottom will kneel while the top feeds them dinner.
These are just common ways for Tops/Doms/Masters to take control. There are always other methods, but remember, taking control means different things for different people.