Tag Archives: Alice

Re-Discovering Sex: Pulling A Rhett Butler.

NOTE: Remember that consent is the difference between having sex and rape. And please remember that language isn’t always the same for everyone. For some “No,” doesn’t mean “stop”, or “I don’t want this.” Sometimes your partner needs to create another safeword in order to allow themselves the freedom to struggle, to say “no” and to trust you to keep going until you hear the actual safeword. PLEASE remember to always talk about things before engaging, so you and your partner are safe. 

 

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Hello Ladies and Dudes,

I was asked by one of you to talk about re-discovering sex in an already established relationship.  Sex with someone new can be odd, but trying to re-discover sex with an existing partner can feel similar to climbing a mountain naked, barefoot and in the dead of winter.

The reason I think it’s so difficult is because when the sex stops it’s a sign of something that’s wrong. For most couples, having sex is a way to reaffirm shared love, interest and dedication (and sex for the sake of sex is also important).

Depending on the reason you and your partner aren’t having sex, it often can feel insulting to your ego. I personally have never had this happen, so I asked Christopher (my partner) for his advice. 

He’s been going through something similar the last few months with Delilah. There relationship, after three years, is experiencing the challenges of jealousy, insecurity and doubt.

Delilah for the last three years, though she’s poly and has a girlfriend (Alice) has been the focal point of Christopher’s attention. Within the last year, I’ve come into the picture and Alice has returned from working overseas.

In the blink of an eye, Delilah went from having seven days a week with Christopher to having about four. She has to share those four days with Alice (they all live together) and Christopher get’s to balance having three girlfriends that want and need his attention.

Alice and I often share time because we don’t need alone time with Christopher. Delilah, though, needs specific attention from Christopher. She needs one-on-one time, she needs time spent in silence, and time spent outside the home.

She feels insecure about her body, she feels threatened by me (which she’s beginning to realize isn’t logical, as I’m not a threat) and she’s learning to trust when her partner says “No, seriously, I love you and I want to stay, but you have to work with me on this.”

(Keep in mind that their relationship is complicated and isn’t that simple, but for privacy’s sake, just go with it).

See, sex isn’t something that just stops. It’s a reaction to something else.

*NOTE: Please establish with your partner that they ACTUALLY do like sex. There is a chance that they might have been having it out of obligation but really don’t enjoy it. There’s a chance they could actually be a-sexual and too afraid to say so. Be ready to hear their honest feelings. This probably isn’t about you, but about them and their actual feelings and needs on sex. And yes, should your partner mention that sex is being taken off the table permanently, I recommend talking about opening the relationship up. Please note that I am not a doctor, I am just a woman with a blog. Seeking out a therapist who can help you and your partner would be my best advice. 

Christopher and I discussed the methods he’s used that has helped, and it is helping. There is growth happening, he and Delilah are getting along, things are becoming easy again and sex is being discussed.

Three things that will move your relationship forward:

1) Talk It Out: I don’t mean have one, two or three conversations, I mean, get ready for the most talking you’ve ever done. Be honest. This is the hard part. One of the common fears when things aren’t going well is the fear of your partner leaving. This is understandable but worth the risk.

2) Get Ready For The Possibilities: Relationships are hard, I mean, really, really hard. There’s no way around it. Even the easiest relationship has challenges. The conversations are there so you can figure out where you stand. They’re there so you can figure out what your partner needs and if you’re able to give it to them. There’s no telling where things will go, but be ready for anything.

3) Sometimes, your partner might need you to take control, to make your interest known, and sometimes, you gotta pull a Rhett Butler.

The Rhett Butler:rhett

In Gone With The Wind Rhett and Scarlet are having an argument. Scarlet is being her normal bratty self and Rhett has reached his last straw. He grabs Scarlet, throws her over his shoulder and takes her, kicking and screaming, into the bedroom. The scene fades and opens with Scarlet in bed next morning happy as a kid in Disneyland

scarlett

 

 

This scene is known as the ‘almost rape scene’ for a reason. Scarlet kicks and screams, “no,” “put me down,” and fights until the scene fades. The fact that Rhett ignored her “no’s” can be seen as rape, but I would argue this:

They were in an established relationship, one built on unhealthy dependence and trust. They loved each other, even when they hated each other. They were their worst poison and their lifelines into happiness. They were a couple who was so established that, even when it seems cruel to us, they know what to do to make each other happy.

Take this with a grain of salt, their relationship wasn’t healthy but Pulling A Rhett Butler can be useful.

rhett

Here’s how I recommend you use this tactic in this beautiful modern age:

After you’ve spoken to your partner and established that they really do want sex, it’s your job to help them along. Do the romantic thing, if that’s what they need. Pull out flowers and music and dinner. Do whatever it is that they need.

Make sure you both have a clear way of communicating, whether it’s safe words, or physical action. And then go to town.

State: “I’m going to make love to you,” “I’m going to fuck you now,” “I’m going to have sex with you,” – Whatever your partner needs to hear (and keep in mind, they might need silence, they might just need you to make the move, touch their body and in silence fuck them – This is where the talking before helps).

Sometimes, Pulling A Rhett Butler is allowing your partner to struggle and fight and scream. Sometimes, your partner isn’t fighting you, but their own insecurities. I’ve passed up sex when I wasn’t feeling my best and the times my partner fucked me anyways, was the best. It was a reaffirmation that they wanted me, even though I didn’t feel worthy.

Yes, sometimes, it feels like you’re reading minds, but what you’re doing is listening to your partner, reading body language and really hearing them. That’s the hardest part: Hearing your partner, with not just your ears but your mind and heart.

There’s no easy way to make relationships work. Just remember: Talk it out, truly listen and keep “Pulling A Rhett Butler” as an option, because sometimes it comes in handy.

Please keep in mind that there is the possibility that your partner is done with the relationship and no matter how many times you fuck like bunnies, it’s over. This is where planning for the possibilities comes in.

I hope that helps 🙂

<3 Brittany

Asking For Sex: Alice and I Get It On.

This is my method for dealing with people that want sex but don’t know how to ask for it clearly. Most of that hesitation is worry or feeling awkward (this is me, almost always at first).

 

So, Alice came over last night, for a sleepover. We were in bed, cuddling together:

 

Alice: “Eventually, we’ll take this relationship to a truly sexual level….”

Me: “Eventually?”

Alice: “When we’re ready. And when there’s time. And when you aren’t tired.”

Me: “I’m never too tired for sex. That’s when you have lazy, sleepy sex. The only thing stopping us is your inability to say “I want sex, now” And the fact that my roommate and her mother who is visiting will overhear us.”

Alice : “Yeah, they will probably hear us……”

Me: “I’d love to cum. I’d like us both too. I’m going to count to three and unless you say no, I’m going to kick my cat out of this room and we’re getting it on.”

I counted to three. Kicked the cat out of the room. And we got it on!

 

The point: Sometimes, when you’re with someone new, taking that step into sex can feel odd or awkward. It can take a lot of talking, which we’ve done over the last month.

 

Eventually, though, once you’ve negotiated and you know your partner, showing your clear interest helps. Alice and I negotiated sex. We have safe words. We understand limits.

 

We understand that either of us, at any moment, can say ‘red’ and what we’re doing will stop.

 

Sex isn’t anyways this automatically passionate thing, sometimes you have to build to that passion.

 

By the time we got past the ‘this is new territory’ I was moaning her name.

 

Sex/mutual masturbation/sexual intimacy is the connection of two people (or whoever is involved) and it’s an exploration of another person’s body, their vessel.

 

It can be this very intimate and important thing, and in that moment it was.

 

Alice and I have been talking about being intimate sexually for sometime and we really needed to push ourselves to do it, not because we didn’t want to but because it was a step into something new and we weren’t exactly sure how it would go.

 

Letting go of the fear of the unknown is, most of the time, necessary for growth.

 

 

Hope that helps some of you 🙂

 

Good luck on your future sex adventures!

 

<3 Brittany

The Perfect Relationship.

Hello Ladies and Dudes,

When I was fifteen I began reading the “Spenser” series written by Robert B. Parker. He is my favorite male author. He writes mystery and crime novels. They’re quick reads with quirky characters and amazing dialogue.

You can read the novels out of order, they’re written that way. As you read along you begin to discover the small details. The small details that paint this whole life of Spenser and his love Susan.

Spenser and Susan have one of the most amazing relationships that I’ve ever seen in fiction. It is unique to them (though it closely resembles Parker’s actual love life).

Spenser and Susan are both professionals, both own their own apartments, and both have lives separate from each other. They see each other on planned nights. They have romantic dinners, have great sex, listen to amazing music, attend events together and enjoy the company of each others friends.

They’re not married. Never plan to be. They’ve been together over decades and even when things got bad, they made it work.

They have this amazing relationship. But why?

Is it because they’re honest and open? Because they know what they both want? Because they know that their relationship is different and they’re at peace with it?

Does it work because they’re best friends? I think that plays a huge part.

I think, most importantly, they’re two self-sufficient adults who know what they want. End of story.

When you know what you want it’s easy to get it, assuming you’re determined, ruthless and smart about it.

The key here, though, is that Spenser and Susan want THE SAME THING.

Perfect relationships involve people who want similar things, who agree on the methods of attaining those things and move together to make it happen.

The difference between roommates/friends and people in a romantic partnership? Partners move as a unit.

As someone involved in poly, it gets complicated. I’m dating a man who lives with his two other girlfriends. Christopher and I have been involved since September 2014, but only dating since April 2015. I’m aware that our relationship is new and I really don’t have to worry about things like his finances or where we’ll be in five years.

But I was raised in a very normative world. When dating someone you take into consideration where they work, what they make and what they have to offer and how that plays into a life together. In the end, becoming a unit is the only thing that makes dating special (even if it involves multiple people).

I could do the things I do with Christopher with anyone, but I wouldn’t move as a unit with them. I want someone(s) I can do that with. This is the struggle I have when dating.

I want a partner in crime to go on adventurous with. And again, ideally it would be two partners 🙂

I’m not sure where my relationship with Christopher will go, but I’m hoping it’s somewhere peaceful.

In the end, I want to date myself, or someone close. Someone who challenges me, sees the world in a similar way, who owns their shit, conquers their fears, loves me fiercely and I them, and I want someone who will move as a unit with me.

I guess it’s time to admit it, I’m totally a romantic.

I don’t need the flowers or fancy dinners, I need someone who will slay the dragon with me, not for me, not instead of me, but WITH me.

<3 Brittany 

 

 

 

When Your Boyfriend’s Girlfriend Is Into You.

Hello Ladies and Dudes,

Alice isn’t into me romantically, but she’s decided she’d like to spend more one-on-one time with me. I’m not opposed to this. She and I actually negotiated what we wanted from each other before talking with Christopher. The reason: We wanted to be on the same page first.

Alice is one of the those people whose chemistry meshes well with mine. She and I get along very well. We’re both headstrong, motivated, intelligent, passionate, empathetic women and we take very little shit from people.

We’re both readers, nerds and enjoy talking about vampires, werewolves and video games (though, that’s mostly her talking and me listening).

We’re currently interested in pursuing an intimate relationship. It isn’t about romance. It’s about knowing that we both enjoy each others company and that we can both fulfill the needs of the other.

Christopher is wonderful and I love him, but he doesn’t meet all of my needs. Those needs have to be met in order for me to be happy. Right now, Delilah (Alice & Christopher’s other girlfriend) isn’t meeting Alice’s needs. That’s based in the fact that the needs that have to be met CAN’T be met by our other partners.

Acknowledging that your partner can’t meet all of your needs is very important. It’s also the key factor in being able to grow and understand yourself in relation to your relationship.

I don’t know what place Alice has in my life, at least not in the long run, but right now I’m grateful for her. She and I have plenty of growing to do, and knowing that I have a friend who’ll be there willing to help me through it…that’s a pretty great thing to have.

The moral of this story: It’s okay when your partner can’t meet your needs, there are other people who can, that doesn’t mean you have to leave your partner for them.

<3 Brittany

I Is Now A Primary :)

Hello Ladies and Dudes,

As you know my relationship with Christopher is my first real poly experience. I tried it before but the relationship ended before it got serious.

In this situation there’s Christopher and his Primary Delilah. They’ve been together the longest. Then there came Alice, who as involved over a year ago but because of work she hasn’t been able to establish herself yet (she’s been traveling). Then, there’s me.

One of the reasons that Christopher not texting me (or keeping his phone charged so I can get a hold of him) bothers me so much is because I wasn’t sure of my place. I didn’t realize how much that mattered to me until last night (Christopher and Alice came to see me). It didn’t occur to me that was even the issue until earlier that day.

For those of you not familiar, some poly people like hierarchy with primaries, secondaries, thirds and so on. When I started seeing Christopher, it made sense that I wasn’t any of those things. And then I became known as the third and now, after last night, I made clear that I want to be a primary. I want multiple primaries and I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to settle for second, unless they want to (which, by the way, some do).

Everyone does poly different. There’s no question that there is constant debate on ‘how to do it right,” when it’s really all subjective.

Alice made clear, last night, that at this point she wants to be a primary with Christopher as well. This was a really important moment for the three of us. We don’t have tons of time to bond right now, or to have those important relationship talks. So, having that conversation last night was vital for us to move forward.

I understand that many people become possessive and jealous, that can be a natural part of being human. I’m constantly asked about jealousy. For me, poly works. When things aren’t going well it’s not actually because of poly. It’s because of the challenges that come with it. But challenges happen in any lifestyle choice.

For me, when relationships are forming I have this breaking point, the moment where I no longer want casual, the moment where everything matters and I want a clear declaration of intent. That was last night and I thank the universe that my partner(s) were open, honest and communicative.

Our night ended in hugs, cuddles and great orgasms 🙂 Yay!

-Brittany <3