Tag Archives: poly
This is my method for dealing with people that want sex but don’t know how to ask for it clearly. Most of that hesitation is worry or feeling awkward (this is me, almost always at first).
So, Alice came over last night, for a sleepover. We were in bed, cuddling together:
Alice: “Eventually, we’ll take this relationship to a truly sexual level….”
Alice: “When we’re ready. And when there’s time. And when you aren’t tired.”
Me: “I’m never too tired for sex. That’s when you have lazy, sleepy sex. The only thing stopping us is your inability to say “I want sex, now” And the fact that my roommate and her mother who is visiting will overhear us.”
Alice : “Yeah, they will probably hear us……”
Me: “I’d love to cum. I’d like us both too. I’m going to count to three and unless you say no, I’m going to kick my cat out of this room and we’re getting it on.”
I counted to three. Kicked the cat out of the room. And we got it on!
The point: Sometimes, when you’re with someone new, taking that step into sex can feel odd or awkward. It can take a lot of talking, which we’ve done over the last month.
Eventually, though, once you’ve negotiated and you know your partner, showing your clear interest helps. Alice and I negotiated sex. We have safe words. We understand limits.
We understand that either of us, at any moment, can say ‘red’ and what we’re doing will stop.
Sex isn’t anyways this automatically passionate thing, sometimes you have to build to that passion.
By the time we got past the ‘this is new territory’ I was moaning her name.
Sex/mutual masturbation/sexual intimacy is the connection of two people (or whoever is involved) and it’s an exploration of another person’s body, their vessel.
It can be this very intimate and important thing, and in that moment it was.
Alice and I have been talking about being intimate sexually for sometime and we really needed to push ourselves to do it, not because we didn’t want to but because it was a step into something new and we weren’t exactly sure how it would go.
Letting go of the fear of the unknown is, most of the time, necessary for growth.
Hope that helps some of you 🙂
Good luck on your future sex adventures!
Hello Ladies and Dudes,
When I was fifteen I began reading the “Spenser” series written by Robert B. Parker. He is my favorite male author. He writes mystery and crime novels. They’re quick reads with quirky characters and amazing dialogue.
You can read the novels out of order, they’re written that way. As you read along you begin to discover the small details. The small details that paint this whole life of Spenser and his love Susan.
Spenser and Susan have one of the most amazing relationships that I’ve ever seen in fiction. It is unique to them (though it closely resembles Parker’s actual love life).
Spenser and Susan are both professionals, both own their own apartments, and both have lives separate from each other. They see each other on planned nights. They have romantic dinners, have great sex, listen to amazing music, attend events together and enjoy the company of each others friends.
They’re not married. Never plan to be. They’ve been together over decades and even when things got bad, they made it work.
They have this amazing relationship. But why?
Is it because they’re honest and open? Because they know what they both want? Because they know that their relationship is different and they’re at peace with it?
Does it work because they’re best friends? I think that plays a huge part.
I think, most importantly, they’re two self-sufficient adults who know what they want. End of story.
When you know what you want it’s easy to get it, assuming you’re determined, ruthless and smart about it.
The key here, though, is that Spenser and Susan want THE SAME THING.
Perfect relationships involve people who want similar things, who agree on the methods of attaining those things and move together to make it happen.
The difference between roommates/friends and people in a romantic partnership? Partners move as a unit.
As someone involved in poly, it gets complicated. I’m dating a man who lives with his two other girlfriends. Christopher and I have been involved since September 2014, but only dating since April 2015. I’m aware that our relationship is new and I really don’t have to worry about things like his finances or where we’ll be in five years.
But I was raised in a very normative world. When dating someone you take into consideration where they work, what they make and what they have to offer and how that plays into a life together. In the end, becoming a unit is the only thing that makes dating special (even if it involves multiple people).
I could do the things I do with Christopher with anyone, but I wouldn’t move as a unit with them. I want someone(s) I can do that with. This is the struggle I have when dating.
I want a partner in crime to go on adventurous with. And again, ideally it would be two partners 🙂
I’m not sure where my relationship with Christopher will go, but I’m hoping it’s somewhere peaceful.
In the end, I want to date myself, or someone close. Someone who challenges me, sees the world in a similar way, who owns their shit, conquers their fears, loves me fiercely and I them, and I want someone who will move as a unit with me.
I guess it’s time to admit it, I’m totally a romantic.
I don’t need the flowers or fancy dinners, I need someone who will slay the dragon with me, not for me, not instead of me, but WITH me.
Hello Ladies and Dudes!
It’s been almost a year since I’ve left YouTube. I’ve decided it was time to come back.
I spent countless hours trying to find videos that covered life as a queer, feminist, poly and BDSM person and I couldn’t find it. I found parts of it, or forms of it, but not exactly what I was looking for. So, here I am, I’m going to create the videos that I want to see.
Check Out The Intro/Welcome Video:
New Videos every Tuesday 🙂
Hello Ladies and Dudes,
Alice isn’t into me romantically, but she’s decided she’d like to spend more one-on-one time with me. I’m not opposed to this. She and I actually negotiated what we wanted from each other before talking with Christopher. The reason: We wanted to be on the same page first.
Alice is one of the those people whose chemistry meshes well with mine. She and I get along very well. We’re both headstrong, motivated, intelligent, passionate, empathetic women and we take very little shit from people.
We’re both readers, nerds and enjoy talking about vampires, werewolves and video games (though, that’s mostly her talking and me listening).
We’re currently interested in pursuing an intimate relationship. It isn’t about romance. It’s about knowing that we both enjoy each others company and that we can both fulfill the needs of the other.
Christopher is wonderful and I love him, but he doesn’t meet all of my needs. Those needs have to be met in order for me to be happy. Right now, Delilah (Alice & Christopher’s other girlfriend) isn’t meeting Alice’s needs. That’s based in the fact that the needs that have to be met CAN’T be met by our other partners.
Acknowledging that your partner can’t meet all of your needs is very important. It’s also the key factor in being able to grow and understand yourself in relation to your relationship.
I don’t know what place Alice has in my life, at least not in the long run, but right now I’m grateful for her. She and I have plenty of growing to do, and knowing that I have a friend who’ll be there willing to help me through it…that’s a pretty great thing to have.
The moral of this story: It’s okay when your partner can’t meet your needs, there are other people who can, that doesn’t mean you have to leave your partner for them.