Tag Archives: relationship

Depression and BDSM.

Hello Ladies and Dudes,

I’m as depressed as they come. I’d like to say that over time I’ve gotten better at handling it but the truth is, I’m getting worst.

My depression is manageable when I’m alone and unattached. I was able to sorta handle it on my own before I started dating seriously at 24.

It becomes worse when I’m trying to form new and lasting relationships. That’s when the depression eats at my mind. I analyze every single thing. I blow every little thing up. I push people away and wonder why they’re leaving, and at the same time, am satisfied with the idea of them walking away.

If they walk away, that’s one less relationship I have to constantly worry about.

I allow relationships to start easily, casually. Friendships or fuck buddies are easy. They normally don’t ask more from me than my time once in a while.

Forming romantic relationships are the worse for me. From the moment I think someone wants me long term I start finding every single thing wrong with that person.

The worst part: When I’m happy and my head is leveled, I want to date, I want to fall in love. When I’m healthy and not having a depressive episode, I’m actually fun to be around.

Christopher is my long term partner. He’s aware of my depression but it’s not easy. Neither of us is perfect and we both have weaknesses that make our life together a challenge.

But last night, during one of my fits he told me that he was going to beat me. This was something that I’d been avoiding for at least two months. We’ve been having a hard time having complete and fulfilling scenes because I’ve allowed my fear to consume me.

And since he respects my limits, he’s allowed me time but last night, last night was different. It was this moment of “Trust me, I know best.”

I was at a loss. All I wanted to do was die. I’d been crying all night. I felt like nothing worse could happen…so, why not?

I positioned myself like he asked. Slowly, he hit me with the flogger. He started very soft, like a feather, and built and built.

With every hit I could feel my panic attack slowing down. I could feel my breathing become steady. My shoulders slumped into my body and the tension was slowly left.

Eventually, I felt like I was floating. I wasn’t crying anymore. My brain was centered. I found something to focus on. A different kind of pain. With every single hit I felt more and more like myself.

In terms of what I’ve taken in the past, this was a light scene, but it was just right. It was exactly what I needed to fight the fear that was consuming me.

With one last hit, one that made me jump, he stopped and I wrapped my arms around his legs. His hand went to my hair and he stroked my body like I was his kitten.

“Shhh, scene’s over,” he said. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

With my eyes still closed he had me position myself on the bed so he could lotion the places he had hit. He took care of me. He tucked me into bed and laid with me.

All of the sudden, I couldn’t stop smiling. Laughter bubbled from deep within me and escaped through my mouth and there was no stopping it. I was so happy that I couldn’t stop laughing.

I know to so many BDSM is always going to be seen as abuse, and it’s true that there are SOME who are abusive within the community.

But, truly, without BDSM, without the structure, the rules, the pain, the challenges, the everything…I hate to fathom where I’d be now. Probably lying in a bathtub crying myself to sleep.

I’m still depressed, BDSM isn’t a doctor, it’s a coping mechanism. Only a doctor can really help but it’s nice to have other options as well.

<3
Brittany

 

The Fantasy of Surrender: Trust and Surrender.

NOTE: This is my very personal journey with D/s and love. I hope it helps others along their journey.

NOTE: Incase it needs to be said, before surrender came the groundwork.
We had countless conversations about our future and what we wanted from each other. We spoke about the realities of our ages, money, school, friends and relationship goals. We came to an agreement on what we wanted, we just needed to make it happen and that included Surrender.

Note: Christopher has input a couple comments in parenthesis because he’s nosy like that.

I received a question that I hope to answer here:

“How did you TRUST him enough to surrender?”

Surrender is an everyday battle. What I achieved in my post wasn’t “surrender until the day I die.” It was the breaking down of the wall that was stopping me from surrendering in the first place.

To read about how I broke down that wall: CLICK HERE.

Surrender is hard.

No matter how many novels you read, or fantasies you imagine, this lifestyle isn’t easy. It’s a constant battle with our survival instincts, societal conditioning and our inner demons.

I keep hearing from people that want the perfect D/s or M/s relationship instantly. They want to meet someone at their local BDSM party and have it just work.

Can you imagine it?
A Submissive who kneels without command. A Dom who reads minds…..

NO! It doesn’t work that way.

Relationships take more than work, they take determination.

How Do I Trust Him Enough To Surrender:

I’ve been distrustful of people since I was fifteen, so when I meet people who want to be important in my life, they must earn it. Earning it means many things to me.

-They must spend time with me.
-They must value me as a whole person.
-They must be someone who contributes positive things to my life.
-They must NOT be people who make enemies out of my friends, lie, cheat or who live a life that is constantly ill-intentioned towards others.
-They become a true friend 🙂
(Obviously, these are all things I would give them as well)

This is the groundwork that needs to be done to be friends with me. This is also what needs to be done if you plan on dating me.

When I met Christopher we started off forming a friendship. We became lovers pretty quickly but it wasn’t anything close to a D/s dynamic. When I met Christopher he was still a Submissive to a female Dom. I was attracted to them both, so the three of us became involved.

During that time, a few things happened at once. I was in my first poly relationship with two people. Christopher was realizing he wasn’t suited for a Submissive lifestyle and his Dom was realizing that their relationship wasn’t going to survive the change.

As I watched their relationship crumble I realized a few things I didn’t want: I didn’t want a relationship that would crumble without the D/s. I wanted a friend, a partner and than a Dom.

I wanted someone who would build a life WITH me, not around me.
I wanted someone who was in control of me but understand that we were still equals.

NOTE: For the first half of our relationship Christopher lived 70 miles away and I only saw him twice a week (he was living with his former partners).

The first few months of our relationship Christopher and I were in limbo. He, from day one, planned on making me His (C: I knew I wanted her in my life for the rest of my life and I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied with just friends. However, the BDSM aspect and possessiveness didn’t happen on the first day. I did have inklings from very early on that it would go that direction). I was oblivious to this. I spent the first few months of our relationship enjoying his company, bonding with him and enjoying the fact that I had a new friend.

At the time, I was going through a difficult time, personal family stuff that was becoming all consuming.

Christopher was there for me during that time. Without him, I’m not sure where I would have ended up. I know I would have been fine, but it wouldn’t have been the same.

We spent months after that unsure of what we needed to make this relationship work. We were both growing in ourselves and it was hard knowing how to growtogether. I’d never done it before and I was afraid to.

Romantic relationships, for me, are about BUILDING a life TOGETHER. Which means, I can’t just fuck who I want, I can’t just pick up and move, I can’t just do anything without thinking of how it effects my partner.

Christopher wanted that. He said “I love you”, first. He made it clear that he wanted me. I fought this. I hadn’t spent enough time getting to know him to feel like I could make a true commitment that involved long term planning.

Eventually, as we went back and forth between our feelings (C: As SHE went back and forth. I just kept going forward and dragging her along mercilessly), Christopher’s relationship with his Dom officially ended.

We moved in together and we had the chance to live this lifestyle the way we wanted.

But I was still unsure…

For me, a year is not a lot of time. I work an average of 50 hours a week. Times goes by quickly for me. So for those who say a year is long enough to know if someone is long-term material, good for you, but that’s now how I work.

I needed to know that I could trust him when things were bad. Relationships are easy when everything is going right. Eventually, there were a few times when shit really hit the fan. Christopher took care of it. He was there. He had proved to me that he can step up, that he can really take control, and that he had a plan.

But all of those life tests needed time to happen. We had to let them naturally happen. We can’t force life to move faster than it’s going to. And so, I couldn’t move our relationship faster than it was ready to go.

It took over a year, but Christopher proved to me that it was worth the risk. That letting go, letting him love me, though scary, was worth it.

As someone that battles with depression and anxiety, the idea that I would let someone who’s only known me ONE YEAR get that close, seemed impossible.

Our community of people are some of the brightest, most passionate people that I know. But we’re all still humans with a weakness for companionship and romance. I feel that we sometimes want to rush into these “perfect” relationships because we don’t want to wait. We don’t want the struggle, the pain or the possibility of failure.

For me, it was worth the wait. I’ve always had to work for what I’ve had. Always.

So, my advice for all of you who are eager for the “perfect relationship” is this: There is no such thing (C: Besides the one Brittany and I have. That one’s absolutely perfect). Your relationship will never be perfect. It will always be this beautiful piece of art that you’ll always be adding to. Enjoy the fact that you get to add little strokes of paint to it every moment of your day. Enjoy the fact that your strokes are met with someone else’s.

I cannot tell you how satisfying it is when I look over at Christopher and think: “We’ve both put so much into this. There’s something special here. Something important. Something worth sticking around for. And we’ve built it, together. It’s ours.”

So, how did I trust him enough to Surrender?
I accepted that his actions spoke for him. I accepted that he had done what I asked of him. I stopped trying to fight him because he didn’t deserve that. He did what I asked, it was time for me to give him what we both wanted, my trust and surrender.

I can only hope that I continue to earn the right to kneel for him every day.

We must both do our part to make this work.

Thank you for reading.

Feel free to check out my other writing on Surrender. I think this is a important and powerful part of our lifestyle and culture, and I look forward to exploring more of it.

<3 Brittany

 

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