Tag Archives: relationships

Dear Sir, I’m Done.

Dear Sir,

This has been a frustrating battle.
For the last year we’ve spent our relationship playing tug of war. Each of us giving a little and taking a little. You and I both are strong-willed, hard-headed people with very clear ideas of what we want for our future.

We’re also very fucking stubborn.

At this point, I’m pretty sure all of our friends have seen us battle for control.

Most of those situations involve me on my knees, trying to top from the bottom.

You don’t want that. I don’t want that.

You want a submissive who will surrender and I want a Dom worthy of that surrender.

You worked with me, listened to me, adapted to me, challenged me and saw things in me that I had forgotten were there. You found my light, my drive, my talent, my passion, my love for living.

And for the first time in my life, I’m happy to be alive.

I thank you for that.

This last week you asked me to stop being afraid, to surrender for a week straight without fighting you. You asked me to say yes, when all I wanted to do was to run. For the past year, I’ve only been able to surrender for a couple of days before I allowed fear to overwhelm me.

I fought you about the smallest things and made them into big things. The idea of surrendering seemed scarier than even breaking up with you. In my state of fear, breaking up with you seemed like a possibility because then you couldn’t get close anymore, you couldn’t hurt me, you couldn’t love me enough to matter if you left….

But this past week it happened…I surrendered.

This week has been wonderful, smooth and peaceful. I found my peace through my surrender. I chose to surrender, to kneel and bow my head, instead of fighting.

The puzzle pieces began to fit.

It took a year of fear and running, but I’m not running anymore.

I’m not scared anymore.

I’m done.

I’m here.

I’m Yours.

 

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How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Be More Dominant?

Hello Ladies and Dudes,

I got a question on tumblr from a woman, essentially asking how she can get her boyfriend to take more control…

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I created a video as a response.

 

I also wanted to add a list of ways to help those entering into control dynamics.

Ways Your Top/Dom/Master Can Take Control In Every Day Life:

  • The bottom greets the top with a specific saying.
    • “Good evening, Sir, how was your day?”
    • “Good evening Mistress, welcome home.”
  • The bottom uses specific titles instead of their name.
    • Instead of Bob, call him Sir.
    • Instead of Susan, call her Ma’am.
  • The top can pick out the bottom’s clothes when headed to an event.
    • I often lay out three dresses for Christopher to choose from or he’ll have one in mind already (Christopher only chooses what I wear for special events, though some people do it every day).
    • The Top gets to dictate when the bottom cums or masturbates.
      • Sometimes it’s as simple as, “You will not masturbate until I see you, that way you’ll be begging me to fuck you.”
      • Or, “You will masturbate today for ten mins, but you will not cum until I say so, or maybe not at all…”
    • Top can choose whether or not the bottom wears panties for the day/or event coming up.
      • Christopher loves to take away my panties because I’m a very wet person, so he knows I have to be careful where I sit and how move around (especially since he’ll put me in a short dress on nights with no panties).
    • The Bottom will have a meal prepared for the Top when the top comes over/wakes up/gets home from work.
    • The bottom will massage the tops feet during TV time.
    • The bottom will kneel while the top feeds them dinner.

These are just common ways for Tops/Doms/Masters to take control. There are always other methods, but remember, taking control means different things for different people.

Explore! Have fun!

I hope this helps!

<3 Brittany

Asking For Sex: Alice and I Get It On.

This is my method for dealing with people that want sex but don’t know how to ask for it clearly. Most of that hesitation is worry or feeling awkward (this is me, almost always at first).

 

So, Alice came over last night, for a sleepover. We were in bed, cuddling together:

 

Alice: “Eventually, we’ll take this relationship to a truly sexual level….”

Me: “Eventually?”

Alice: “When we’re ready. And when there’s time. And when you aren’t tired.”

Me: “I’m never too tired for sex. That’s when you have lazy, sleepy sex. The only thing stopping us is your inability to say “I want sex, now” And the fact that my roommate and her mother who is visiting will overhear us.”

Alice : “Yeah, they will probably hear us……”

Me: “I’d love to cum. I’d like us both too. I’m going to count to three and unless you say no, I’m going to kick my cat out of this room and we’re getting it on.”

I counted to three. Kicked the cat out of the room. And we got it on!

 

The point: Sometimes, when you’re with someone new, taking that step into sex can feel odd or awkward. It can take a lot of talking, which we’ve done over the last month.

 

Eventually, though, once you’ve negotiated and you know your partner, showing your clear interest helps. Alice and I negotiated sex. We have safe words. We understand limits.

 

We understand that either of us, at any moment, can say ‘red’ and what we’re doing will stop.

 

Sex isn’t anyways this automatically passionate thing, sometimes you have to build to that passion.

 

By the time we got past the ‘this is new territory’ I was moaning her name.

 

Sex/mutual masturbation/sexual intimacy is the connection of two people (or whoever is involved) and it’s an exploration of another person’s body, their vessel.

 

It can be this very intimate and important thing, and in that moment it was.

 

Alice and I have been talking about being intimate sexually for sometime and we really needed to push ourselves to do it, not because we didn’t want to but because it was a step into something new and we weren’t exactly sure how it would go.

 

Letting go of the fear of the unknown is, most of the time, necessary for growth.

 

 

Hope that helps some of you 🙂

 

Good luck on your future sex adventures!

 

<3 Brittany

The Perfect Relationship.

Hello Ladies and Dudes,

When I was fifteen I began reading the “Spenser” series written by Robert B. Parker. He is my favorite male author. He writes mystery and crime novels. They’re quick reads with quirky characters and amazing dialogue.

You can read the novels out of order, they’re written that way. As you read along you begin to discover the small details. The small details that paint this whole life of Spenser and his love Susan.

Spenser and Susan have one of the most amazing relationships that I’ve ever seen in fiction. It is unique to them (though it closely resembles Parker’s actual love life).

Spenser and Susan are both professionals, both own their own apartments, and both have lives separate from each other. They see each other on planned nights. They have romantic dinners, have great sex, listen to amazing music, attend events together and enjoy the company of each others friends.

They’re not married. Never plan to be. They’ve been together over decades and even when things got bad, they made it work.

They have this amazing relationship. But why?

Is it because they’re honest and open? Because they know what they both want? Because they know that their relationship is different and they’re at peace with it?

Does it work because they’re best friends? I think that plays a huge part.

I think, most importantly, they’re two self-sufficient adults who know what they want. End of story.

When you know what you want it’s easy to get it, assuming you’re determined, ruthless and smart about it.

The key here, though, is that Spenser and Susan want THE SAME THING.

Perfect relationships involve people who want similar things, who agree on the methods of attaining those things and move together to make it happen.

The difference between roommates/friends and people in a romantic partnership? Partners move as a unit.

As someone involved in poly, it gets complicated. I’m dating a man who lives with his two other girlfriends. Christopher and I have been involved since September 2014, but only dating since April 2015. I’m aware that our relationship is new and I really don’t have to worry about things like his finances or where we’ll be in five years.

But I was raised in a very normative world. When dating someone you take into consideration where they work, what they make and what they have to offer and how that plays into a life together. In the end, becoming a unit is the only thing that makes dating special (even if it involves multiple people).

I could do the things I do with Christopher with anyone, but I wouldn’t move as a unit with them. I want someone(s) I can do that with. This is the struggle I have when dating.

I want a partner in crime to go on adventurous with. And again, ideally it would be two partners 🙂

I’m not sure where my relationship with Christopher will go, but I’m hoping it’s somewhere peaceful.

In the end, I want to date myself, or someone close. Someone who challenges me, sees the world in a similar way, who owns their shit, conquers their fears, loves me fiercely and I them, and I want someone who will move as a unit with me.

I guess it’s time to admit it, I’m totally a romantic.

I don’t need the flowers or fancy dinners, I need someone who will slay the dragon with me, not for me, not instead of me, but WITH me.

<3 Brittany 

 

 

 

For Me: BDSM Is Not Roleplaying.

 

Hello Ladies and Dudes,

After having a conversation with a non-BDSMer I realized that many people think of BDSM has a fun roleplaying pastime. For me, that’s far from the reality. BDSM has always been a desire of mine, a need, a craving that I’ve had since I was at least fifteen. At that age I just didn’t know what it was called.

I posted this on Facebook the other day:

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I then received this question:

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I understand why many wonder this. BDSM is seen as this other-world pastime, that isn’t more than a hobby or sick perversion (that would be my mother’s definition). The truth is that it can be many things. It can be a hobby, a sick perversion, a way of being, a spiritual experience, a roleplaying scene, a way of life and something people just do on the weekends or during Pride week.

We all define these things differently. We all experience BDSM differently. I can only speak for myself.

I’ve always been a strong-willed individual. I’ve always been a headstrong child. I like challenging others. I like being challenged. I like being in control of myself and of my circumstances. Yet, as strong-willed as I’ve always been, I’ve always craved something else. I’ve always craved someone that could take control, even for a night.

I am a bottom. Not a submissive, though in the right setting I’m sure I could fit into that role. I bottom for my current lovers. I cannot tell you how freeing it feels. It feels like I’m totally at peace. As if, in those moments, I’ve found safety so pure that it can never be challenged (obviously, reality is never that perfect but that’s not the point).

When I was fifteen I started reading the Anne Rice and Laurel K. Hamilton. These women spent countless books exploring the dynamics of power and submission.

They wrote of headstrong characters that needed to control and others that needed to submit. They wrote about queer relationships and poly love. They awoke something within me. They gave me hope that the feelings I’d had as a child, the hopes that there would be this great sense of belonging, of spiritual awakening, of power play and great love, that it could all exist.

BDSM for some is about roleplaying. There are nights at the sex positive center that I attend that focus on that roleplaying. They have nights dedicated to it. I don’t attend those nights. When I play there it’s about allowing my play parters to take control. The allow me the freedom of submitting (in a sense).

For some, topping their partners is a fun roleplaying experience. I recently tried that and it felt fake. It felt unnatural because I was forcing myself into a role that wasn’t mine. It wasn’t where I belonged or felt comfortable.

I’m not sure that I can explain my feelings in a way that conveys how vital BDSM is for me. It isn’t about a fun game, it’s about allowing myself the freedom of letting go. When I let go, when I allow others to top me, I’m essentially allowing them to see a very raw part of me. The part of me that the rest of society doesn’t get to see.

If anything, the person I am when I’m working or shopping for groceries is the roleplaying character that I’ve created. It’s genuine but it isn’t where I always feel whole.

Roleplaying can be so many things for people. Roleplaying gives us a sense of power and freedom to explore the different things we want. It’s a wonderful thing, but it’s not exactly something that I associate directly with my BDSM lifestyle.

<3

Bert!