This has been a frustrating battle.
For the last year we’ve spent our relationship playing tug of war. Each of us giving a little and taking a little. You and I both are strong-willed, hard-headed people with very clear ideas of what we want for our future.
We’re also very fucking stubborn.
At this point, I’m pretty sure all of our friends have seen us battle for control.
Most of those situations involve me on my knees, trying to top from the bottom.
You don’t want that. I don’t want that.
You want a submissive who will surrender and I want a Dom worthy of that surrender.
You worked with me, listened to me, adapted to me, challenged me and saw things in me that I had forgotten were there. You found my light, my drive, my talent, my passion, my love for living.
And for the first time in my life, I’m happy to be alive.
I thank you for that.
This last week you asked me to stop being afraid, to surrender for a week straight without fighting you. You asked me to say yes, when all I wanted to do was to run. For the past year, I’ve only been able to surrender for a couple of days before I allowed fear to overwhelm me.
I fought you about the smallest things and made them into big things. The idea of surrendering seemed scarier than even breaking up with you. In my state of fear, breaking up with you seemed like a possibility because then you couldn’t get close anymore, you couldn’t hurt me, you couldn’t love me enough to matter if you left….
But this past week it happened…I surrendered.
This week has been wonderful, smooth and peaceful. I found my peace through my surrender. I chose to surrender, to kneel and bow my head, instead of fighting.
The puzzle pieces began to fit.
It took a year of fear and running, but I’m not running anymore.
I’m not scared anymore.