NOTE: Remember that consent is the difference between having sex and rape. And please remember that language isn’t always the same for everyone. For some “No,” doesn’t mean “stop”, or “I don’t want this.” Sometimes your partner needs to create another safeword in order to allow themselves the freedom to struggle, to say “no” and to trust you to keep going until you hear the actual safeword. PLEASE remember to always talk about things before engaging, so you and your partner are safe.
Hello Ladies and Dudes,
I was asked by one of you to talk about re-discovering sex in an already established relationship. Sex with someone new can be odd, but trying to re-discover sex with an existing partner can feel similar to climbing a mountain naked, barefoot and in the dead of winter.
The reason I think it’s so difficult is because when the sex stops it’s a sign of something that’s wrong. For most couples, having sex is a way to reaffirm shared love, interest and dedication (and sex for the sake of sex is also important).
Depending on the reason you and your partner aren’t having sex, it often can feel insulting to your ego. I personally have never had this happen, so I asked Christopher (my partner) for his advice.
He’s been going through something similar the last few months with Delilah. There relationship, after three years, is experiencing the challenges of jealousy, insecurity and doubt.
Delilah for the last three years, though she’s poly and has a girlfriend (Alice) has been the focal point of Christopher’s attention. Within the last year, I’ve come into the picture and Alice has returned from working overseas.
In the blink of an eye, Delilah went from having seven days a week with Christopher to having about four. She has to share those four days with Alice (they all live together) and Christopher get’s to balance having three girlfriends that want and need his attention.
Alice and I often share time because we don’t need alone time with Christopher. Delilah, though, needs specific attention from Christopher. She needs one-on-one time, she needs time spent in silence, and time spent outside the home.
She feels insecure about her body, she feels threatened by me (which she’s beginning to realize isn’t logical, as I’m not a threat) and she’s learning to trust when her partner says “No, seriously, I love you and I want to stay, but you have to work with me on this.”
(Keep in mind that their relationship is complicated and isn’t that simple, but for privacy’s sake, just go with it).
See, sex isn’t something that just stops. It’s a reaction to something else.
*NOTE: Please establish with your partner that they ACTUALLY do like sex. There is a chance that they might have been having it out of obligation but really don’t enjoy it. There’s a chance they could actually be a-sexual and too afraid to say so. Be ready to hear their honest feelings. This probably isn’t about you, but about them and their actual feelings and needs on sex. And yes, should your partner mention that sex is being taken off the table permanently, I recommend talking about opening the relationship up. Please note that I am not a doctor, I am just a woman with a blog. Seeking out a therapist who can help you and your partner would be my best advice.
Christopher and I discussed the methods he’s used that has helped, and it is helping. There is growth happening, he and Delilah are getting along, things are becoming easy again and sex is being discussed.
Three things that will move your relationship forward:
1) Talk It Out: I don’t mean have one, two or three conversations, I mean, get ready for the most talking you’ve ever done. Be honest. This is the hard part. One of the common fears when things aren’t going well is the fear of your partner leaving. This is understandable but worth the risk.
2) Get Ready For The Possibilities: Relationships are hard, I mean, really, really hard. There’s no way around it. Even the easiest relationship has challenges. The conversations are there so you can figure out where you stand. They’re there so you can figure out what your partner needs and if you’re able to give it to them. There’s no telling where things will go, but be ready for anything.
3) Sometimes, your partner might need you to take control, to make your interest known, and sometimes, you gotta pull a Rhett Butler.
The Rhett Butler:
In Gone With The Wind Rhett and Scarlet are having an argument. Scarlet is being her normal bratty self and Rhett has reached his last straw. He grabs Scarlet, throws her over his shoulder and takes her, kicking and screaming, into the bedroom. The scene fades and opens with Scarlet in bed next morning happy as a kid in Disneyland.
This scene is known as the ‘almost rape scene’ for a reason. Scarlet kicks and screams, “no,” “put me down,” and fights until the scene fades. The fact that Rhett ignored her “no’s” can be seen as rape, but I would argue this:
They were in an established relationship, one built on unhealthy dependence and trust. They loved each other, even when they hated each other. They were their worst poison and their lifelines into happiness. They were a couple who was so established that, even when it seems cruel to us, they know what to do to make each other happy.
Take this with a grain of salt, their relationship wasn’t healthy but Pulling A Rhett Butler can be useful.
Here’s how I recommend you use this tactic in this beautiful modern age:
After you’ve spoken to your partner and established that they really do want sex, it’s your job to help them along. Do the romantic thing, if that’s what they need. Pull out flowers and music and dinner. Do whatever it is that they need.
Make sure you both have a clear way of communicating, whether it’s safe words, or physical action. And then go to town.
State: “I’m going to make love to you,” “I’m going to fuck you now,” “I’m going to have sex with you,” – Whatever your partner needs to hear (and keep in mind, they might need silence, they might just need you to make the move, touch their body and in silence fuck them – This is where the talking before helps).
Sometimes, Pulling A Rhett Butler is allowing your partner to struggle and fight and scream. Sometimes, your partner isn’t fighting you, but their own insecurities. I’ve passed up sex when I wasn’t feeling my best and the times my partner fucked me anyways, was the best. It was a reaffirmation that they wanted me, even though I didn’t feel worthy.
Yes, sometimes, it feels like you’re reading minds, but what you’re doing is listening to your partner, reading body language and really hearing them. That’s the hardest part: Hearing your partner, with not just your ears but your mind and heart.
There’s no easy way to make relationships work. Just remember: Talk it out, truly listen and keep “Pulling A Rhett Butler” as an option, because sometimes it comes in handy.
Please keep in mind that there is the possibility that your partner is done with the relationship and no matter how many times you fuck like bunnies, it’s over. This is where planning for the possibilities comes in.
I hope that helps 🙂