This is my method for dealing with people that want sex but don’t know how to ask for it clearly. Most of that hesitation is worry or feeling awkward (this is me, almost always at first).
So, Alice came over last night, for a sleepover. We were in bed, cuddling together:
Alice: “Eventually, we’ll take this relationship to a truly sexual level….”
Alice: “When we’re ready. And when there’s time. And when you aren’t tired.”
Me: “I’m never too tired for sex. That’s when you have lazy, sleepy sex. The only thing stopping us is your inability to say “I want sex, now” And the fact that my roommate and her mother who is visiting will overhear us.”
Alice : “Yeah, they will probably hear us……”
Me: “I’d love to cum. I’d like us both too. I’m going to count to three and unless you say no, I’m going to kick my cat out of this room and we’re getting it on.”
I counted to three. Kicked the cat out of the room. And we got it on!
The point: Sometimes, when you’re with someone new, taking that step into sex can feel odd or awkward. It can take a lot of talking, which we’ve done over the last month.
Eventually, though, once you’ve negotiated and you know your partner, showing your clear interest helps. Alice and I negotiated sex. We have safe words. We understand limits.
We understand that either of us, at any moment, can say ‘red’ and what we’re doing will stop.
Sex isn’t anyways this automatically passionate thing, sometimes you have to build to that passion.
By the time we got past the ‘this is new territory’ I was moaning her name.
Sex/mutual masturbation/sexual intimacy is the connection of two people (or whoever is involved) and it’s an exploration of another person’s body, their vessel.
It can be this very intimate and important thing, and in that moment it was.
Alice and I have been talking about being intimate sexually for sometime and we really needed to push ourselves to do it, not because we didn’t want to but because it was a step into something new and we weren’t exactly sure how it would go.
Letting go of the fear of the unknown is, most of the time, necessary for growth.
Hope that helps some of you 🙂
Good luck on your future sex adventures!